Just took my morning after pill in the library
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
