You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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