Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
