Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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