You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
