Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
