I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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