Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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