just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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