i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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