I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
