I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
