I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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