My cat gives me a boner
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
