i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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