Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
