I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
