I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
