I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize