True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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