My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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