Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
