Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
