Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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