a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Come on in and take your pants off
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