I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
