He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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