my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
