You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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