i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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