When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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