Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
