I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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