Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
