I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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