What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
