Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
