Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
