This is not my ceiling
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
