mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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