Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
