my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
