I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
