God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
