Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
