I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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