i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
