I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
