my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
