so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
