Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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